GLORIOUS MESS!

One thing i get asked a lot off late is 'how are you doing!'.I interpret that question in two ways depending on who is asking. People who know me well up close and personal mean 'Man!how are you holding up,hope you haven't lost it yet' and people who don't know me well enough mean 'ah! what can be different,she must be sleep deprived and fat,the usual postpartum thing!.In both of these situations, i think for a while before answering,because of two reasons:a) I don't have enough vocabulary to explain and b) because i don't want to be taken as an insane insensitive mother.I find myself at quiet a dilemma in such times and hence i gave it some thought.

Five months postpartum, i would like to describe myself as a 'Glorious Mess'. Glorious because i feel the sheer glory of having gone through the wonderful journey of pregnancy and delivery and having given life to such a wonderful bundle of love.The love i feel cannot be put in words.It is overwhelming and highly gratifying.Mess because that is the first word that i utter every time i look at myself in a mirror.Frankly,i cringe every time i look at myself.I have dark circles from not having slept more than 2 hours at a stretch since the day he was born.I have receding hairline from the heavy hair fall that doesn't let me keep the hair open at least till they dry after a hair wash.I have belly that felt like rubber for months after delivery and looks like cracked earth in drought with the zillion stretchmarks.I have arms that resemble bottle guard hanging off my body and i have flab of fat everywhere.I don't recognise this person in the mirror anymore.

The poser and selfie freak that i was, I run and hide at the longest sight of a camera focusing in my direction.I used to find my calm in adding dresses in latest trend to the 'bucket' and it has been months since i even opened a shopping app.All i check online now is deals on pumping machines,nibblers,activity centres and diapers.I do not look forward to a manicure pedicure or even threading because i know i will not feel pampered in a salon seat while all i did was praying to make it back home in time for his next feeding.Do you know a better word to describe this situation.I like to call it 'mess' or rather a 'Glorious Mess'

THE 'C' WORD

The word was out.'It was a boy!' and more importantly, it was a cesarean!.Sighs in different tones and pitches echoed from different corners of the room. People could not wait to pounce at the topic. Aunties started out with the different versions of dreadful stories of inhumanity that has spread like a virus among the gynaecologists of late.The 'C-section mania'.

The thing that i most feared had happened.They had managed to operate me!.I mean, though i silently wished for the same somewhere in my 8.5 hours of labor, I never thought they would hear my thoughts!. But how could I have helped it anyway!.Maybe i should have protested.I should have prepared my husband to never sign the surgery consent come what may.Maybe i should have eloped from the operation theatre but i couldn't, because for one moment,all that mattered to me was the safety of that little life inside me.I could hear his heartbeat dropping.They sounded like the week sobs of a newborn somehow.How could i ignore that!. 

I came out of the operation theatre numb,physically because of the anesthesia ,and mentally because somewhere inside , i felt that i had let the world down,or rather i had let myself down.I battled the disbelief that this had actually happened to me for hours in the ICU.I repeated the story to every sorry face that visited me. And again spend hours feeling sorry for myself. 

Suddenly it started feeling silly!. I am an educated 20th century female! Aint i supposed to be above such 'small thoughts' .I just gave birth to a healthy baby and instead of rejoicing it , i was stuck with a c section guilt!.What made me so miserable! I pondered and the answer was that it was a social stigma i had attached myself to. The society has made c section look like a doctor or a hospital's personal interest, and completely disregard the fact that sometimes it is the only way out!.

                                        

                                    PREFACE-NEW LIFE                                  

Motherood made me realise few very important things.These realisations were enlightening enough for me to start wondering why birthing and childcare is taken so lightly and why nobody talks about it.I feel like a different person since the day i delivered my beautiful baby boy.I simply have to record this experience.This roller coaster ride  might be solely my experience, but if you relate to even a quarter of my lament and joy, you have a friend in me.

Disclaimer : The posts that follow might be heavy on drama,emotions and insanity,but  be rest assured they will be true to each word and straight from heart.They do not mean to judge , belittle or praise anybody else's parenting decisions or feelings , they are my story , the story of my experiences with the power to give life.

Every time i make a guest rub their hand with hand sanitiser before they hold the baby, my mother cringes and i am served a dose of ' do not act like you are the only person to give birth on earth' theory right after the guests leave. I agree i am not the only one to give birth and raise a child,after all, i delivered my baby in the city that records the highest number of deliveries per year in the world.So, it was definitely not a big deal.But nothing can make me surrender my weapons as long as i am a mother.Can you?

I have never been a cleanliness freak,more so, i feel more at home in a messy environment.But i am a changed person now.Remember?.I am wearing my 'anxious,obsessed and ever doubting momma' suit,ready to fight any demon that dare come near my baby, be it a viral infection or a mosquito.This change baffled me.Made me salute every less fortunate mother who had to give birth to their little ones in unfortunate environments and situations.I still find it difficult to wrap my head around how much a single experience can change the way you look at life.Below are my realisations,rather life changing,to me atleast:

- God exists

The whole process of development of a fully functional body and mind from a single cell after careful merger of sperm and ovum is nothing short of miracle.Doctors and science enthusiasts call the triggers leading to the development of each organ and process 'signals' but who orchestrated the signals in the first place.Who decided the time frame for each development and made sure fool proof transactions between a body and a body inside the body.I am still awestruck to think that a human being was actually under construction inside my tummy while i battled presentations and hopped from meetings to meetings for nine months.

- Human body is a miracle

Need i say more! your heart is formed outside your body initially and then the body forms around it to engulf it and protect it and then it continues working a whole lifetime.The baby triggers the release a hormone to tell the mother's body to push it out into the world once it is completely grown.

 - Humans are born useless-cannot survive first few years without extensive support and care

They say 'It takes a village to raise a kid'.Being baby must be really difficult.I feel for him! He has no choice but to remain in any weird/uncomfortable position that we leave him in because he has no control over his hands, legs ,head or even finger till he is 3-6 months old unlike the babies of cow who start running around few hours after they are born.They are self sufficient!

- Humans are emotionally fragile.Motherhood makes you emotionally useless.

My boss at work(not my favourite person on earth) once suggested i attend corporate workshop on emotional quotient.It was her subtle way of telling me that i was emotionally week.I retaliated. I felt humiliated and I refused to agree or attend any workshop of any sort like a stubborn kid.But i am a grown person now and I would happily agree with her today...I have grown rather emotionally 'useless'.I have absolutely no control my smiler and sobs,i feel for everything and anything.This is a very vulnerable state to be in. They say it is just a phase. Fingers crossed!